29sept2007

i always have this pent up feeling when stressed out, esp during examination periods. Hate it.

It like u have to study, but u have no mood to do so. Yet even when u're not studying, u have to stay home, pace ard the hse...cos goin out will make me feel guilty. this kinda feeling SHUCKS man.

there's nothing much to do inside the hse except stare at my labby screen, hoping a msn window will just pop up to entertain me haha.Sleeping is the best solution when this feeling comes, but now its too early to sleep. GOD WHAT CAN I DO.

i'm a boring person.
I'm a person with PENT-UP FEELINGS INSIDE ME NOW!!



llwei~

its so hard when u're alone.

you'll just keep thinking and everything will make u remember.
get me out of this shit.
this is the shit i'm talking about. Yet u pretend that you do not know.
This is what is tough to go through and yet i cant say.

its really hard when you're taking the train, staring out listening to the song he loves.

its really hard when u walk the school, wondering if he's just in front.

its really hard when u're faced with the silence of the night, staring your phone, wondering if everything was just a dream.

i'm not strong.not at all.
i'm just acting strong...



llwei~

240907 faith.

i cried and i smiled.a sense of euphoria.

for 9 years, i've lived in my own world of denial where i make little effort to understand my illness.and cos of that, i made the fatal mistake of misunderstanding its effects and consequences. i made the mistake of taking the words of other people on their perception of this illness and due to these general perception, i thought i was to be stricken by it for ever and ever. I thought i couldnt live a normal life as a mother and as a wife. maybe even as a loving girlfriend.

the tears i shed today was to pay for my folliness.
the smile i had was because i realised my folliness.

SLE is a genetic disease caused by a series of genes combined, not just one gene itself. thus the gene may be passed down to my children such that they will have a disposition towards having this illness. however, unlike what many people think, such chances are SMALL. because, the genes needs some element to trigger it off. of the many patients my doctor have seen, none of their children are plugue with the illness like their mothers.
Also, the potential of a flare up during pregnacy is possible, however, that is if the illness is still in the active stage. if her condition has been stable, with proper care,there will be no difficulty to realise the dream of a happie family.

and when medication is stopped, a patient can be said to have recover. I'm moving towards the road to recovery and i pray that i can make it till the end. thus i promise myself that from today onwards, i'll take very good care of myself.. so that i can be well and healthy to realise my simple dream of having a loving complete family.

the realisation of these facts today lifted my spirits. I look forward to meeting the right man of my life willing to share my joy and happiness now and in the future.

2 weeks ago, i was made to feel despised, but now, i am certain that i am able to achieve the same things or more as the many other people out there...

no longer will this illness stumble me in my path.i'm on my way to the road of recovery.


sounds evil, but really feel like say:

its your loss to let me go...for i am not the sickly patient only capable of acting as a burden to you, your family think of me as. i will find a man better and who is willing to accept me for who i am and give him all the love he deserve.



llwei~

24sept2007 mother.

mothers are the most honourable role on earth.

maternal instinct is best gift children have from their mothers; for their children, mothers are willing to sacrifice, for their children, they are willing to shower their unconditional love...probably that is because of the 'connection' between mother n child during the 9-months of pregnacy. mothers can really read the thoughts of their children...what ever things that happen to you, they can sense it.

and when they grow old and frail,the love still persist and is stronger then ever.
But when its time for us children to reciprocrate the kindness our mothers have bestowed upon us, how many of us can actually give back the same amount of love and time?

why are some human heartless creatures who could forget about the comforting embrace, the unselfish love abd the warmth they were showered. The hardship of bringing up a child is not as simple as managing finances, giving them education or merely just bringing them into adulthood. Its about letting them feel worthy, happie,blissed and loved. The worries of a mother towards her child will never cease...even into adulthood, a mother is still as protective and her love as strong.


these people who forget will suffer the consequences of guilt, i'm sure of that.i believe in retribution...if its not already landing on him now.I used to love him for being a doting uncle. but since when had he changed into a heartless beast i do not know. When his children and wife choose to desert him and hatred accumulates, i choose to believe that he is bearing the consequences of his actions.

destroying the dignity and love of ur mother is worst then stabbing urself in the heart, for the pain she feels is a thousand million times magnified.

dont you feel the pain when you sees her everyday....a beautiful woman reduced to a haggard frail and weak figure. the loss of sparks in her eyes, her tired body and the silence from her that amplifies each day.

I'm scare of losing her one day. but u're not. For this ,I do not call you her son.Get away from our lives and let her regain her dignity as a mother and a wonderful grandmother.



llwei~

22092007 我不哭了

我不哭了

感觉好无奈。。。到头来还是一场空。

不哭是因为，我知道流泪只会让我跟陷入其中，再哭就不能自拔了。所以，我不能再哭了。就如“隐形的翅膀”，我相信我一直有双隐形的翅膀，带我飞，飞过绝望。心里没有恨，只觉得心疼。很想关心他，毕竟在这段时期，他是经历最多的。可是无奈的是，愈关心就愈不能放下。不是吗？好矛盾。

对他冷漠无情，我心里又内疚，因为真的不是他的错。就算要我说几千几万次，我还是会这样回答。错不在于谁，结果已发生了，追究责任也没有什么意义。。。

我们还能做朋友吗？因该吗？当然希望还能在他身边，但这样会不会是再让自己走不出这个漩涡？我相信自己能走出，只担心一个人的时候，又会回想，又会有感触。。。

做人要勇敢。人生不会永远平坦顺利，曲折坎坷的时候，感谢有朋友和家人在我身边。不能让不开心的事击败自己，因为明天的曙光正等待着我。

相信雨后会有彩虹，大难必有后福。


感谢有这首歌的开导。

每一次 都在徘徊孤单中坚强
每一次 就算很受伤 也不闪泪光
我知道 我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞 飞过绝望
不去想 他们拥有美丽的太阳
我看见 每天的夕阳 也会有变化
我知道 我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞 给我希望
我终于 看到 所有梦想都开花
追逐的年轻 歌声多嘹亮
我终于 翱翔 用心凝望不害怕
哪里会有风 就飞多远吧
隐形的翅膀 让梦恒久比天长
留一个 愿望 让自己想象

21sept2007

my life was blank for the past month.

there is no miracles.


liwei~

20sept2007 sorry.

i'm taking things in stride.
I believe what will come cant be avoided. we've tried our best in this relationship and there shldnt be any regrets.

i thank you for all the love u have showered upon me. tears will flow, and they'll dry. memories will remain, but only safely etched at the back of my mind.

i understand the anguish of ur family, for it pains them to see you going through hell. It pains me too to be seperated from you, but if that can make life easier for you, probably i should have chosen this path earlier.

i'm sorry.


i still believe that God will look after those in desperate need of help,and with this, i do not mean tt they pray desperately. Also, even if they do not know him, He'll still use His healing hand to reach out.

Let the days ahead be better.



llwei~

20sept2007 to be worthy.

To XN:

To be worthy of his love, i cannot let go unless he does.
I have to be greatful of the love he's chose to bestow upon me, and i have to make worhwhile the misery he has and is still going through. He was given the choice to let go, but when he did not, i promise myself that i will not too.
Giving up will never be an option.

To reciprocate his love, not only have i got to be strong for myself, i have to have strength to support him during the tough times too. I have to be understanding, stay happy for him and share his worries. Its not easy, because, there is nothing in action that i can do to lighten his burden.

As u say, i am selfish. I do not deny that. I do feel the pain ur family is going through. But i feel that it is more selfish if i choose to act noble by giving him up, just to please all others,when he has gone through so much for me.

I may b an amateur in relationships, but i do know the real feeling of love, be it from family and friends. The near-death experience i've been through taught me to treasure ,with all my heart, the love i receive from anyone. And because of that, i know the non-deserting love ur bro has for me is precious. Precious enough for me to want to fight hand in hand with him through the tough times. It may be to avail and we may face heartbreaks again. but at least we tried our best.


I am prepared to go through the tough times with him and though we may not have the blessing of many now, i believe that if time can really prove things, one day we can receive the heartfelt blessings of everyone, including you.


llwei~

15sept2007 不要毕业嘛.

will you hold my hand when i'm old and frail?


time seemed to pass so slowly. i feel like i've known u for a thousand million years, but in reality, it has only been ard 2 weeks. WEIRD.

i want each day to pass quickly, so that i can see you for the next day,, the day after and the days that follows.
but yet i also want the days to pass by slowly everyday. So that i can spend longer period of time with you each day. I wanna us to remain at this period for a long long time...so that i can see you in sch almost everyday.真希望你不要毕业.....

will things change when u've start working?

will u feel that we cannot communicate cos we're at different stages of our life?
if tt time comes,pls be patient to explains things to me

will you feel that you have too much workload to spend time with me?
if tt time comes, i'll do my best to accomodate you.

will you have lesser love towards me?
i pray not.


probably God has thought of these, thus He let you have the job so near to school.so near to me~
heeheeeZ.
so, i thank God for his almightiness~


hope time can really prove things to my family and yours.


llwei~

17092007 beautiful dream.

i dreamt.

In my dream, i talked to your mum.
In my dream, she smiled to me and held my hand.
In my dream, we could be together happily.


Pray that my dream will become a déjà vu of the future.



llwei~

16sept2007 Faith. Miracle. Strength.

God do not answer all prayers. He only answer prayers of people who needs him desperately; He only answer prayers who are sincere. With faith, we can work together and go through everything in the future.

The future is bleak. but if i do not do this with you, i will regret it. It going to be another painful process, but i know its not as painful as the ones you're goin through now. So embrace yourself cos i know u can do it and hope for the miracle, be it in any forms.

jie jie says,

"God has his ways, every person we meet, every second of our life is meant with a purpose to learn something. Who we meet, what they do, we cannot control, but how we grow from the experience and become stronger, is what we can control."

a silent prayer.

i pray for you to have the strength once again, to hold on tight.



loves
llwei~

130907

what i had been most scared of has finally happened. we broke off.

i cried. but not too much..cos i've been crying so much for the past week. my tears has run dry.

i'm glad there at least there will be some people who are happie...his mum will regain back her smile, their relationship salvaged...his family regain its peacefulness... at least he wont be the sinner of his family...even if i'm not the happie one, its still worth it rites.

i know i've been very selfish, to make him go through all this misery for the past week. but deep down inside, i really loved him. i really wish that there was anything i can do to relieve his pressure and pain. every time u reach home, i worry what u may tell me later. i hoped that u dun return home to face troubles everyday but reality is seldom to what i hope for. ur family is still the most impt one eventually....


i may sound so noble now, but deep down inside my heart is tearing...i fully understand where ur parents' concern is coming from...i do not blame you. i'd thought we could last longer then this...i really treasure every min and sec we have together....


but i am a victim too. just that irregardless of that i'm still not in any position to negotiate or talk any terms.all i can do is to apologise for being sick...if i had the choice, i would not want to have this illness...if i had the choice, i would want to be the healthy princess to be taken care off by u forever...if i had the choice, .....i would still want to have u in my life...

all this are just ifs....in life there's no 'ifs' for u to talk abt....


while listening to this song, i teared again.

you said everything happens for a reason. and i choose to believe it. If God wants it this way, then there's no way we can go against it rites.

'Cos I believe that destiny
Is out of our control




ur princess for the last time,

llwei~

13092007 a world to ourselves.

Life if full of the unexpected--thats my view on life.

for the past week, lots of miracles had already found their way to me.

i found somebody i love, of whom i feel i've known him for a long long time.
he's chosen me despite the many misery moments i've lead him through.
yet, he'd still choose to hold on to my hand and hold me in his warm embrace.

i'm living in the happiest moment of my life. though its a difficult time we're goin through now, i'm still consoled by the fact that u're not deserting me...

i was scare, really scare when u mentioned the qns... i wont blame you, but i wont slip through the hell gates of sorrow either. i cant bear for this to end. but if one day it does come, pls don't cry.

i cant put any more pressure on you...telling you how much i love you will just put u in more dilemna..i dont know if wat ur mum has said will give u more pressure or relief. It was relief and elation for me, but somehow, i feel u're feeling otherwise...
i really dont know wat i can do for you to help you with this burden that u're carrying...


i just hope that there will be the future for a long long time...and i also pray that one day ur prayer be answered. how nice if time could stop for eternity.

my smile is radiant because of you.











i wanna hold ur hand for ever...

llwei~

10sept2007 realism.

i was jolted back to reality ....away from the beautiful dream i've been in for so long so long...

yes i teared because reality had drawn upon me that life is never perfect... i guess this is the time for me to come to face with it.

i dont know if i have the courage to do it myself. but i remember your promise ....once again i've believed in you, hoping that you can create the miracle.


i still feel so blessed to be holding ur hand.i wont let go if u're still holding on. promise.



llwei~

09sept2007 in bliss.

feel like a 幸福小女人. haha. i'll work hard and do my best in this relationship =)
jia you jia you!

the happiness i feel intensify with each day i spend with you.
thank you for loving me, i feel so so blessed!

life's great now...with friends, family and you ard. may this be for ever and ever!

幸福小女人
幸福小女人
幸福小女人 thats me!

cheers
liwei